Mr. Bartender on the "Standard Bar"

Often times I get a client who wants a "standard bar" or the "standard drinks" at their party. Sometimes they preface it with a couple examples like a martini, margarita, etc. I don't think they realize how confusing that is. To the regular bar caterer, "standard drinks" means pick a dozen or so mixed drinks from the bartending school handbook created in the 80s that everyone seems to be using and have at it.

First off, let's start with the examples the client has given me: martini & margarita. These two couldn't be more polar opposites if one had witnessed his parents murdered and grew up fighting crime dressed in leather pajamas and the other was Jack Nicholson. Usually, clients who request the standard drinks and list off a martini and a margarita grew up in the 70s or 80s, or as any decent bartender would call it, the dark ages of drinking. Back then a martini was either 4 oz. of vodka shaken up with ice or combined with a bunch of sugary mixes and juices, and a margarita was cheap tequila with sweet & sour mix. This is so wrong it almost makes me want to quit bartending, dedicate my life to learning quantum physics, so I can build a time machine to go back in time and falcon punch whoever started this trend.

When a client books my services, I provide them with a brief guideline of what a basic bar and what a slightly upgraded bar at an event would have. A basic bar would have vodka, gin, tequila, rum, whiskey, beer & wine for alcohol; coke, sprite, ginger ale, soda water, tonic water and their diet counterparts for soda; cranberry, orange, pineapple, grapefruit, and yes, even sweet n sour mix for juices; and lemons & limes for garnishes. These would not make a cocktail. These would make a mixed drink. The upgraded bar, along with everything a basic bar would have, also has brandy, sweet/dry vermouth, irish cream liqueur, coffee liqueur, amaretto, triple sec, blue curacao, and bitters for the alcohol; milk/cream and simple syrup for the mixers; and oranges, olives, maraschino cherries, cocktail onions, and mint for the garnishes. With the upgraded bar, you're able to make basically all those horrid drinks from the dark ages. I don't recommend the upgraded bar. Almost no one drinks these things anymore.

When you request a martini from me, it'll be made with gin, good dry vermouth, orange bitters, and a lemon twist. When you request a margarita from me, it will be made with premium silver tequila, cointreau, agave, and lime juice. As you can tell, most of those ingredients aren't that basic.

On that note, why would anyone even want the basic? Why would anyone even want the standard? Would you like leather seats and a XM radio? No thanks, I'll take the standard model. Would you like the kobe beef with a pinot reduction and truffle oil? No thanks, I'll have the grilled cheese instead.

Served with a side of apathy 

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