Mr. Bartender on the "Standard Bar"

Often times I get a client who wants a "standard bar" or the "standard drinks" at their party. Sometimes they preface it with a couple examples like a martini, margarita, etc. I don't think they realize how confusing that is. To the regular bar caterer, "standard drinks" means pick a dozen or so mixed drinks from the bartending school handbook created in the 80s that everyone seems to be using and have at it.

First off, let's start with the examples the client has given me: martini & margarita. These two couldn't be more polar opposites if one had witnessed his parents murdered and grew up fighting crime dressed in leather pajamas and the other was Jack Nicholson. Usually, clients who request the standard drinks and list off a martini and a margarita grew up in the 70s or 80s, or as any decent bartender would call it, the dark ages of drinking. Back then a martini was either 4 oz. of vodka shaken up with ice or combined with a bunch of sugary mixes and juices, and a margarita was cheap tequila with sweet & sour mix. This is so wrong it almost makes me want to quit bartending, dedicate my life to learning quantum physics, so I can build a time machine to go back in time and falcon punch whoever started this trend.

When a client books my services, I provide them with a brief guideline of what a basic bar and what a slightly upgraded bar at an event would have. A basic bar would have vodka, gin, tequila, rum, whiskey, beer & wine for alcohol; coke, sprite, ginger ale, soda water, tonic water and their diet counterparts for soda; cranberry, orange, pineapple, grapefruit, and yes, even sweet n sour mix for juices; and lemons & limes for garnishes. These would not make a cocktail. These would make a mixed drink. The upgraded bar, along with everything a basic bar would have, also has brandy, sweet/dry vermouth, irish cream liqueur, coffee liqueur, amaretto, triple sec, blue curacao, and bitters for the alcohol; milk/cream and simple syrup for the mixers; and oranges, olives, maraschino cherries, cocktail onions, and mint for the garnishes. With the upgraded bar, you're able to make basically all those horrid drinks from the dark ages. I don't recommend the upgraded bar. Almost no one drinks these things anymore.

When you request a martini from me, it'll be made with gin, good dry vermouth, orange bitters, and a lemon twist. When you request a margarita from me, it will be made with premium silver tequila, cointreau, agave, and lime juice. As you can tell, most of those ingredients aren't that basic.

On that note, why would anyone even want the basic? Why would anyone even want the standard? Would you like leather seats and a XM radio? No thanks, I'll take the standard model. Would you like the kobe beef with a pinot reduction and truffle oil? No thanks, I'll have the grilled cheese instead.

Served with a side of apathy 

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Mr. Bartender on Yelp

First off, I'd like to say - I love Yelp. I use it all the time. I think it's a great source to find insightful reviews on businesses who's services you are considering utilizing. It has tons of useful information about countless business, and the first-hand accounts from previous clients is an unparalleled asset. I even garner most of my business from Yelp because of my numerous positive reviews and my overall 5-Star rating (Out of 5, for those of you who don't own a computer and have never heard of Yelp.)

That being said, Yelp and a good number of its users, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible, can go kick rocks (pound sand, piss up a rope, spit in the wind, and what have you). There are several ways in which Yelp fails (Or rather succeeds to do the exact opposite) to achieve its objective of being a fair and unbiased review site. Off the top of my head, Yelp sometimes operates using mafia-like extortion business tactics; commentators frequently use it as a way to punish rather than to educate businesses; Yelp's rating formula regularly falls short of being effective; and despite this overly strict seemingly dubious formula, it's actually pretty damn easy to post fake Yelp reviews.

There has been more than one article written about Yelp's shady business practice. All you have to do is google "Yelp Mafia," and you can read quite a few of them. This is really only known by the business who have listings on Yelp and not by the customers who rate them. I currently pay a monthly fee (the lowest possible plan) for my listing on Yelp, and I can't say I'm sure about what I'm paying for. At the least, I am aware I am paying for other similar company's listings to not appear on my listing and for my listing to appear on other similar company's listings who don't currently pay Yelp. This is basically a "Just-In-Case" fee. You can start to see the similarity to the Mafia here. If I have to pay for my listing to be better than the listings that aren't paying Yelp, then it is no longer a fair and balanced review system. My listing will show up in more places and higher on the page, not because I have better reviews, but because I paid for it. I don't know how much weight the payment actually carries because I do in fact have one of the higher reviewed and rated business of my industry in my area. Again, it is "just in case."

If I had a nickel for every time one of my clients threatened to post bad yelp reviews if I didn't fix some minor discrepancy, I'd have, well, less than a quarter (I don't mess up that often), but having one nickel would be enough to really grind my gears. I had one gig where the bartender did not show up with a table. This was a table I offered to the client for free. This was was my fault. I had indeed promised her a table, and I had forgotten to provide the bartender with said FREE table. I talked to the client on the phone while I was at another gig, accepted responsibility for not providing the promised table, apologized, and informed her that, unfortunately, there was no way I would be able to send a table out to her. This was my busiest day to date with roughly 10 jobs employing 25 people. I was at a job that employed 8 staff, and I was dealing with the broken down car of a staffer for another party. Needless to say, this 40 person party with a missing table was not at the top of my worrying list. This client literally told me that I should be "kissing her ass" because I forgot to send her a table. I asked if they had any other table they could use. She said no. This was at her house. She didn't have a single table in her entire house that could be used. Yes, I can hear the awkward crickets too. Needless to say, that wasn't true. I had already spent hours of phone time consulting her for a party that only warrants a 15 minute conversation, so I offered her half off her total, mostly to avoid bad Yelp reviews. Because of a table. 50%. If you're reading this and think this sounds reasonable, you can revert back to my original statement of what Yelp and a good number of its users can do. If she would have written me a bad review, it would not have been to warn future clients of shady business practices, or to help me improve my business through constructive criticism because the critique was an accident, but to punish me because she didn't get what she wanted, and that put her in a bad mood. While reading reviews for other companies I am looking to use, I find that a surprisingly large number of reviews were written with the intent to punish the business and not to warn me. Those are the reviews I generally try to filter. I have only 1 review that is 3 stars, and I assume it was left with the intent to punish and not to educate me. If it were for the latter, I would have gotten a personal email bringing the discrepancies to my attention. I will dedicate posts to answering that review and others at a later date.

For those do not know, Yelp has a secret formula it uses to decide which reviews are real and which are fake. As of now, I have 29 reviews that are clearly visible, out of which, only 1 of them is not real; and I have 9 reviews that are "not recommended," out of which, only 2 of them are not real. I did not ask for those reviews. 2 of them were written by my friends to help me out without me asking for their help. In fact, when friends offer to help by writing a review, I politely decline. The 3rd review was the result of me not knowing I was actually writing a review for myself (Who has 2 thumbs and can barely use a computer? This guy!) Needless to say, there are 7 positive reviews that most people don't get to see. The formula isn't perfect. Which leads me to my last point.

It is hilariously easy to post fake reviews and have them stay up. All you have to do is create several fake accounts that post at random moments in time, are all friends with each other, and have the illusion of being active accounts. I've seen it done personally. I give Yelp 3 stars.

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