Mr. Bartender on Bottle Sizes

There's a reason bars, clubs, and restaurants use a certain size of bottle and not the large half gallon jugs that everyone loves to show off in their #aboutlastnight instagram pictures. There's actually a few reasons. Listen up peeps because I'm about to drop some math on top of you.

#Math'ed

1. 1.75L bottles (affectionately called handles) are 20% cheaper by volume than their 750ml counterparts (called fifths), but they have a 30% spill rate. This means that 30% of that bottle can and most likely will end up out of its designated target, either by spilling outside of the drink or spilling more than what is necessary inside the drink. If you're keeping count, that would mean you are actually losing 10% of that cost. See that extra $3-$5 you have on your night stand? Go ahead and paint it yellow and throw it away because that is roughly the same thing as buying handles.

I think you misunderstood the "paint it yellow" part.

2. I don't think it comes as a shock to anyone that handles are difficult to handle and pour out of. What you may not be considering is the labor cost of that. Imagine you're paying $40/hour for the bartender. Also, imagine the bartender can make 1 drink every 5 seconds, or 300 drinks in an hour. This of course applies to the simple vodka-soda/whiskey-coke type drinks, and not the creations we enchant you with ;) At $40/hour, your labor cost is a little over $0.13 per cocktail. Well with handles, our drink time can increase to 10 seconds or even 15, dividing the total amount of drinks we can pump out in an hour by 2 or 3, and increase the cost per cocktail by the same amount. If we make about 500 drinks in one night (which is very common), that's an increase of $65-$130. That $10 you saved by buying the handle doesn't look so glamorous now does it?

3. We've covered labor costs, but what about square foot costs? "What?! But Mr. Bartender, we're not in the market for a townhouse!" Oh? But what about the bar. Imagine you rent a bar for $100, and that bar has about 15 square feet of usable space. That comes out to $6.67 per square foot. A handle carries the same amount of liquor as 2.33 fifths, and is about the size of 2-3 regular fifths. However, we really only need 1 fifth on the bar. As soon as that bottle runs dry, we replace it. Having the handle up there forces us to have the equivalent of 2-3 of the same bottle on the bar, sacrificing the space we would need for other ingredients. Using fifths would take that square foot cost down to $2.22-$3.33. Using handles keeps it about $6.67 per square foot. That's some expensive real estate.

4. Plain and simple? It looks ugly. The devil is in the details, and if you're looking for an amazing event with perfect presentation, I would stay away from large over-sized bottles. 750ml bottles are just a lot classier. Consider the amount of money that is spent on throwing an event, it would be silly to try and save a few bucks on presentation, especially on the bar, a focal point of any party.

Also, pouring those buckets of alcohol wreaks havoc on a bartender's arm joints. Unless you want bartenders to start including their medical expenses into their rates, I'd recommend choosing the most cost-efficient and attractive option.

Smiling on the outside. Crying on the inside.

Mr. Bartender on Beer & Wine Parties

Parties. Everyone wants to have one, but no one wants to pay for it (kind of like sex). Naturally, people are budget conscious and want to save money wherever they can. Who wouldn't. However, much like sex, there are plenty of people who are still doing it completely wrong. I'm constantly amused by the way people try to save money when throwing an event.

One of the biggest ways people try to save money is by having only beer and wine available. This tends to cost a lot more than if you also had cocktails. When hosting a beer & wine party, people try to overcompensate for the lack of selection (rightfully so) by having better beer and better wine. This will cost even more.

Moment of truth: An overwhelming majority of your guests will opt for hard alcohol. If I had a nickel for the amount of times I've been told "oh my friends are really only beer & wine drinkers," I would bean the next person who said that to me with my bag of nickels.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

The only reason you think your friends are only beer & wine drinkers is because most people who host parties now-a-days are in their 30s to 60s and grew up in the dark ages of cocktails where artificial mixers and cheap booze roamed the bar top. If you had the kinds of drinks we make at your event, they would drink those instead. 

Now, down to the numbers. A decent bottle of wine at the cheap end will run you about $10. There are 5 servings in 1 bottle of wine. That is $2 per serving. A better bottle of wine will cost up to twice that, making it $4 per serving. Decent beer will run about $22 for a 24-Pack, roughly $0.90 per serving. Good micro-batch or import beer will run you twice that, or roughly $1.80 per serving.

A bottle of hard alcohol has about 16 servings. You can get good vodka for roughly $12, good rum for $10, good gin for $15, good whiskey for $20, and good tequila for $20. That's $0.75, $0.63, $0.93, $1.25, and $1.25 per serving respectively. Any juice/soda mixer will run you about 3-7 cents per serving, and ice cost is so small, it's negligible. By this logic, a whiskey & coke (using good whiskey like Maker's Mark) will cost you about $1.30 per serving, about 32% less than if you serving a good beer or a cheap glass of wine.

And this is just for the cheap mixed drinks. If you were to order a craft cocktail from us, with an average of 1 bottle of juice ($15), 1 bottle of syrup ($15), and 1 liqueur (~$15), your cocktail cost would be about $2.07, or roughly the same price as expensive beer and only moderate-priced wine. When you see it on a grand scale, and if you had a big party, you'd be spending no more than $20-$40 extra to have really unique craft cocktails using premium brand liquor at your event. 

You've just been mathed!

Another reason people opt for the beer & wine option is because they don't wan't their guests getting too drunk. ERRR!!! A 1.5 oz. serving of hard liquor, a 5 oz. serving of wine, and a 12 oz. serving of beer contain the same amount of alcohol, so now you're wrong twice.

The one way you WOULD be saving money is by hiring less staff. A beer & wine event can be run with half the staff of an event that serves up craft cocktails. Craft cocktails, but not regular cocktails. You can usually get away with the same amount of staff if you're serving regular mixed drinks.

However, you're already hiring us and we are not the cheapest service on the block (for a reason). You can pay us our premium rates to pour beer & wine, or you can squeeze every buck out of our service and have us make you some unbelievable drinks. Your choice; Choose and drink wisely.

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Mr. Bartender on Syrups in Cocktails

I do a lot of parties and make a lot of drinks for a lot of different people with different tastes, and I have heard the same things regarding how people like for their cocktails to taste. Some like sweet, some like sour, some like bitter, and so on and so on. One thing I keep hearing people request is for me to add less syrup. This is problematic for two reasons.

1) A lot of my drinks have a syrup for a reason. They are used to add flavor to the cocktail. Most of my syrups are flavored, so by decreasing the syrup, you are decreasing the desired level of taste of thyme, strawberry, grapefruit/etc. that the drink was intended to have. Some drinks are meant to be sweet. If it's too sweet, don't order that one. There is usually a variety of cocktails on the menu that have different flavor profiles. Pick the other ones. Granted, there are some cocktails that can take a reduction of syrup flavor, but most can't. I have one cocktail called The Bungle Bungle that has vodka, muddled cherries (which don't add a ton of flavor, just a little tartness and earthy tones), fresh orange juices, thyme syrup, and ginger beer. Now granted, the syrup and ginger beer combo does make the drink a bit sweet, but if you take out the thyme syrup, it'll just taste like OJ with ginger beer, a weird haphazard virgin mimosa, and no one likes a virgin anything.

No one.

2) If you really don't like the drink being too sweet, you don't have to get rid of the syrup; just push the sour quotient up. The extra sour component (usually lemon or lime juice) won't alter the flavor of the drink too much, but it will make it taste less sweet. We're really only adding half an ounce to three-quarters of an ounce of syrup per drink anyway. You're really not getting that much sugar.

I think the problem lies a lot in the negative connotation syrup has. When you google syrup, images of cough syrup, maple syrup, and other sickeningly sweet and artificial products litter your browser page like a coffee table book honoring diabetes. 

If you're depressed about having the sniffles, this cocktail is basically a panacea.

We make our syrups with real sugar and actual fresh ingredients. We don't use strawberry flavoring and red food coloring; we use real strawberries. You may as well consider drinking our cocktails as your recommended daily fruit serving (Don't do that; I'm not a doctor.)

It's just sugar water people. Drink it in moderation, and it won't kill you or give you a headache. 

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Mr. Bartender on the "Standard Bar"

Often times I get a client who wants a "standard bar" or the "standard drinks" at their party. Sometimes they preface it with a couple examples like a martini, margarita, etc. I don't think they realize how confusing that is. To the regular bar caterer, "standard drinks" means pick a dozen or so mixed drinks from the bartending school handbook created in the 80s that everyone seems to be using and have at it.

First off, let's start with the examples the client has given me: martini & margarita. These two couldn't be more polar opposites if one had witnessed his parents murdered and grew up fighting crime dressed in leather pajamas and the other was Jack Nicholson. Usually, clients who request the standard drinks and list off a martini and a margarita grew up in the 70s or 80s, or as any decent bartender would call it, the dark ages of drinking. Back then a martini was either 4 oz. of vodka shaken up with ice or combined with a bunch of sugary mixes and juices, and a margarita was cheap tequila with sweet & sour mix. This is so wrong it almost makes me want to quit bartending, dedicate my life to learning quantum physics, so I can build a time machine to go back in time and falcon punch whoever started this trend.

When a client books my services, I provide them with a brief guideline of what a basic bar and what a slightly upgraded bar at an event would have. A basic bar would have vodka, gin, tequila, rum, whiskey, beer & wine for alcohol; coke, sprite, ginger ale, soda water, tonic water and their diet counterparts for soda; cranberry, orange, pineapple, grapefruit, and yes, even sweet n sour mix for juices; and lemons & limes for garnishes. These would not make a cocktail. These would make a mixed drink. The upgraded bar, along with everything a basic bar would have, also has brandy, sweet/dry vermouth, irish cream liqueur, coffee liqueur, amaretto, triple sec, blue curacao, and bitters for the alcohol; milk/cream and simple syrup for the mixers; and oranges, olives, maraschino cherries, cocktail onions, and mint for the garnishes. With the upgraded bar, you're able to make basically all those horrid drinks from the dark ages. I don't recommend the upgraded bar. Almost no one drinks these things anymore.

When you request a martini from me, it'll be made with gin, good dry vermouth, orange bitters, and a lemon twist. When you request a margarita from me, it will be made with premium silver tequila, cointreau, agave, and lime juice. As you can tell, most of those ingredients aren't that basic.

On that note, why would anyone even want the basic? Why would anyone even want the standard? Would you like leather seats and a XM radio? No thanks, I'll take the standard model. Would you like the kobe beef with a pinot reduction and truffle oil? No thanks, I'll have the grilled cheese instead.

Served with a side of apathy 

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Mr. Bartender on Yelp

First off, I'd like to say - I love Yelp. I use it all the time. I think it's a great source to find insightful reviews on businesses who's services you are considering utilizing. It has tons of useful information about countless business, and the first-hand accounts from previous clients is an unparalleled asset. I even garner most of my business from Yelp because of my numerous positive reviews and my overall 5-Star rating (Out of 5, for those of you who don't own a computer and have never heard of Yelp.)

That being said, Yelp and a good number of its users, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible, can go kick rocks (pound sand, piss up a rope, spit in the wind, and what have you). There are several ways in which Yelp fails (Or rather succeeds to do the exact opposite) to achieve its objective of being a fair and unbiased review site. Off the top of my head, Yelp sometimes operates using mafia-like extortion business tactics; commentators frequently use it as a way to punish rather than to educate businesses; Yelp's rating formula regularly falls short of being effective; and despite this overly strict seemingly dubious formula, it's actually pretty damn easy to post fake Yelp reviews.

There has been more than one article written about Yelp's shady business practice. All you have to do is google "Yelp Mafia," and you can read quite a few of them. This is really only known by the business who have listings on Yelp and not by the customers who rate them. I currently pay a monthly fee (the lowest possible plan) for my listing on Yelp, and I can't say I'm sure about what I'm paying for. At the least, I am aware I am paying for other similar company's listings to not appear on my listing and for my listing to appear on other similar company's listings who don't currently pay Yelp. This is basically a "Just-In-Case" fee. You can start to see the similarity to the Mafia here. If I have to pay for my listing to be better than the listings that aren't paying Yelp, then it is no longer a fair and balanced review system. My listing will show up in more places and higher on the page, not because I have better reviews, but because I paid for it. I don't know how much weight the payment actually carries because I do in fact have one of the higher reviewed and rated business of my industry in my area. Again, it is "just in case."

If I had a nickel for every time one of my clients threatened to post bad yelp reviews if I didn't fix some minor discrepancy, I'd have, well, less than a quarter (I don't mess up that often), but having one nickel would be enough to really grind my gears. I had one gig where the bartender did not show up with a table. This was a table I offered to the client for free. This was was my fault. I had indeed promised her a table, and I had forgotten to provide the bartender with said FREE table. I talked to the client on the phone while I was at another gig, accepted responsibility for not providing the promised table, apologized, and informed her that, unfortunately, there was no way I would be able to send a table out to her. This was my busiest day to date with roughly 10 jobs employing 25 people. I was at a job that employed 8 staff, and I was dealing with the broken down car of a staffer for another party. Needless to say, this 40 person party with a missing table was not at the top of my worrying list. This client literally told me that I should be "kissing her ass" because I forgot to send her a table. I asked if they had any other table they could use. She said no. This was at her house. She didn't have a single table in her entire house that could be used. Yes, I can hear the awkward crickets too. Needless to say, that wasn't true. I had already spent hours of phone time consulting her for a party that only warrants a 15 minute conversation, so I offered her half off her total, mostly to avoid bad Yelp reviews. Because of a table. 50%. If you're reading this and think this sounds reasonable, you can revert back to my original statement of what Yelp and a good number of its users can do. If she would have written me a bad review, it would not have been to warn future clients of shady business practices, or to help me improve my business through constructive criticism because the critique was an accident, but to punish me because she didn't get what she wanted, and that put her in a bad mood. While reading reviews for other companies I am looking to use, I find that a surprisingly large number of reviews were written with the intent to punish the business and not to warn me. Those are the reviews I generally try to filter. I have only 1 review that is 3 stars, and I assume it was left with the intent to punish and not to educate me. If it were for the latter, I would have gotten a personal email bringing the discrepancies to my attention. I will dedicate posts to answering that review and others at a later date.

For those do not know, Yelp has a secret formula it uses to decide which reviews are real and which are fake. As of now, I have 29 reviews that are clearly visible, out of which, only 1 of them is not real; and I have 9 reviews that are "not recommended," out of which, only 2 of them are not real. I did not ask for those reviews. 2 of them were written by my friends to help me out without me asking for their help. In fact, when friends offer to help by writing a review, I politely decline. The 3rd review was the result of me not knowing I was actually writing a review for myself (Who has 2 thumbs and can barely use a computer? This guy!) Needless to say, there are 7 positive reviews that most people don't get to see. The formula isn't perfect. Which leads me to my last point.

It is hilariously easy to post fake reviews and have them stay up. All you have to do is create several fake accounts that post at random moments in time, are all friends with each other, and have the illusion of being active accounts. I've seen it done personally. I give Yelp 3 stars.

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